Poets on Sports

My First Fantasy, Weeks 6-9: The Reign of Team Aaron Purrrrrnandez

by Karissa Morton

Guys, I’m so behind.  I’ve become so preoccupied with planning my fantasy basketball draft that I’ve neglected y’all.  (On that note, who wants to tell me if my FBB team is any good?!!)

So.  Since we last talked, a great thing has happened:  I’ve been on a five game winning streak & am now winning my league!  Let’s recap how this magic happened.  Here was my Week 6 lineup:


This was the week of monster scorers, clearly.  I also hit 23 from Stafford, 23 from Vincent Jackson, & 12 from Josh Gordon on my bench–not that it mattered since my opponent went ahead & managed a grand total of 60 points.  I did have my first experience with seriously questioning one of my prized draft picks:  Blair Walsh.  He’d been nursing a tight hamstring during practice the week before this matchup with the Panthers, but I played him anyway, thinking it was no big deal.  He ended up pulling only 4 points, but I stuck it out & figured I’d give him another week before getting rid of him.

Now let’s take a look at what happened in Week 7:


This was the week Jay Cutler ended up ripping off his dick or something.  (That’s what happened, right?)  As soon as he went out after amassing me a grand total of -1 points, I threw in the towel, assuming there was no coming back from a non-existent QB.  As I watched my two benched QBs earn 22 & 26 points, it took all my strength not to burst into tears.  Instead, I drowned my sorrows in this BWW dessert:

But then a funny thing happened…  whereas I had a non-existent QB, my opponent ended up having a non-existent entire team.  He pulled in 68 points–15 of those being from his defense & 10 from his kicker.  This was the week I became the queen of the Vincent Jackson & A.J. Green fanclubs, since they tossed a grand total of 46 points my way–over a third of my total figure.  After Ray Rice’s grand total of 6 points, this was also the week I started seriously considering benching him for the foreseeable future.  You never think you’ll bench Ray Rice… he’s Ray Rice, right?  Well, it seems lately like that’s the exact reason why you should bench him.  On the Blair Walsh front, this was where the other shoe dropped.  For the first time in his career, he’d missed a field goal of over 50 yards.  Because he only made one FG attempt in the entire game, he ended up hitting 0 points.  I held off all week, not wanting to click that “drop” button, but knew it was what I needed to do.

For Week 8, I decided to pick up Saints kicker Garrett Hartley.  Throughout the Saints-Bills game, I regretted that decision a number of times.  He missed both of the two FGs he attempted, & despite his 5/5 extra points, he only netted me 3 points.  Besides Hartley flailing, here was the rest of my roster:


I handily whooped Justin 116-75, due to the famous Matthew-Stafford-end-zone-explosion.  (This may go down in history as the one .gif I can watch over & over & over & over again & still get excited every time.)

Ray Rice was on bye so I didn’t have to worry about his Keebler-Elf-ass; meanwhile, Reggie Bush pulled in an impressive 16 points, effectively canceling out a first half full of angry tweets about him.  The Jordy Nelson Fanclub was once again thrilled to see its 24 points.  If it wouldn’t have been for freak performances by Megatron & that one Bengals guy, he would have ranked as the top WR for the week.

I also made the same ridiculous mistake Neal made in playing Mike James (5 points) while Andre Ellington was parked on my bench (21 points).  Bench-management-wise, this was not a good week for me.  Not only did I screw up with Ellington, I also sat Josh Gordon who pulled 19.  I felt like Week 8 was one of my weaker weeks, strategy-wise, & despite the win, I ended the week pretty frustrated with team.

For Week 9’s matchups, I started:


Zac Stacy (L) & Mike Tolbert (R)

Now, prior to these game starting, I was fairly confident that this would be the point in the season when I started pissing it all down my leg.  With Stafford, Bush, & Davis all on bye, I figured I’d just have to chalk it up & take the loss.  For a good part of Sunday afternoon, it looked that way, too.  Everyone I started put up painfully horrible numbers (Josh Gordon 5, Matt Ryan 6, Ray Rice 3, etc.).  Buuuuut then came my saving grace–the only reason (well, one of two reasons) I won this game:  Zac mother-fuckin’ Stacy & his 29 points!  I fully admit that I was tempted to start Mike Tolbert over Stacy with hopes that Tolbert would kinda just accidentally roll into the endzone in typical Tolbert fashion.  Well, he did that, but only raked in 9 points.  If I’d settled for those 9 from T-Bear, I would have lost my matchup.  (Is T-Bear his nickname?  Because if it’s not, it is now.  Or, alternatively, Mike Rollbert.  I mean, either way.  I just think he’s adorable.  & he has a gigantic booty.)

I also spent the entire afternoon checking Blair Walsh’s numbers.  I couldn’t deal with letting him go… I still felt horribly guilty for reasons that make no sense.  Watching his poor little face on the big screen when he missed that FG made me want to scoop him up & cuddle him.  He also looked so much like Charlie Kelly that I was tempted to jump through the screen at him.

This, however, was the week it finally happened:  I am perma-benching Ray Rice.  Like, awesome early draft pick, self.  When I looked at his numbers, I wondered why it’d taken me this goddamn long:


Like, y’all, Ray Rice really sucks.  Really. Sucks.  Let’s all drop him.  Deal?  Okay.

Okay, so long story short, I went into Monday night’s Bears/Packers game winning be a decent amount, but not a ton.  I was projected to only win by three.  But then the most miraculous thing happened:  Aaron Rodgers fractured his collarbone.  Y’all.  I would never wish injury on a player, but let me just say… this helped me a lot.  If he’d been playing, there’s no way I could have won since he was also playing Eddie Lacy (21 points) against my play of Jordy Nelson (6 points).  Now, yes… Rodgers being out got me through this week since I only won by 11 points, but now the problem is Seneca Wallace.

Let’s talk Seneca Wallace.  First off, I honestly didn’t realize he was still playing in the NFL.  Second off, he’s been in the NFL for ten years?!  My Dad worked at Iowa State in the early 2000s, so naturally, I was a Cyclone fan.  I vividly remember watching Wallace play for the Clones in about 2002–the year when the infamous RUN happened.

The point here is that I’m old.  My birthday is tomorrow & although I freely admit that my birthday is my favorite day of the year, I have also never had a birthday wherein I’ve turned 25.  25 feels so stupidly old to be doing exactly nothing with my life, but anyway, Seneca Wallace made me feel twice as old last night.  The issue with Wallace is that he clearly can’t throw the ball to save his life, which prompts him to prefer handing it off to Eddie Lacy rather than passing it downfield to Jordy Nelson.  That’s definitely going to damage my Nelson points for the foreseeable future, as reporters are saying Rodgers could be out for three weeks.  (Although he plays the Steelers next week so it could still be okay… I don’t know what to do here–HELP!!)

What this comes down to: I won.  I am Ruxin-ing my league so hard right now, y’all.  Even though I’m Jenny, not Ruxin, but still… Ruxin-ing this shit.

2 comments on “My First Fantasy, Weeks 6-9: The Reign of Team Aaron Purrrrrnandez

  1. lateefahtmullins
    February 4, 2015

    I love sport’s]<

  2. lateefahtmullins #3LOVE
    February 4, 2015

    / – We /- ROCK /| -FOOTBALL

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